My Journey

I am 22 and by no means am I perfect. I struggle everyday with my faith and I am thrown between what is right and wrong. I feel so lost and so confused about spirituality. I have been a Christian since I was five and I silently dedicated my life to the Lord on the bed at my babysitters house. I went to a Christian school from k-8 so that is why I was exposed to such a message when I was five. At the age of 9 I went forward in Church and publicly confessed my sins and was baptised. I grew up in Church and my mom was a christian woman. My dad believed ,but he is so consumed by the things he can't do that he wont come forward in faith or even go to Church for that matter. But he always encouraged my faith and my beliefs. Well I was in a safe haven from k-8 at First Baptist Christian School and then high school came around and I chose to go to a public school where I came to realize I didn't understand what I believed but I believed it because my in my heart I knew it was right. Well issues raised in my quiet little church and I became negative towards it. And at the same time I was in a relationship with someone who would cause me to question everything I believed. But even though I knew what I believed was right , I drifted. All of a sudden true love waits was not the case for me, I gave in and continued to give in, relationship after relationship and with my hubby before he was my hubby. I still feel its a personal choice but now that I am married I have an understanding as to why it is important to wait. I am still unsure how I will present this topic to my kids, but hopefully by that time the Lord will show me. I have regrets and a pass though it wasn't "terrible" it still haunts me to this day. I have to say, proudly, I have never lost faith completely in the Lord, and I have always continued to come to Him when my world seemed to be crashing around me. I know we should not only come to him in times of need ,but I was struggling with how I felt about everything. But at least I knew He was always there. Here I am now, still lost and confused but I have faith in the Lord. I am back to that "baby" stage in my Christianity and I am slowly learning and slowly growing, but I will always struggle with legalism. To drink or not to drink, to have fun and go out dancing with the girls and not to . At least according to my mother I am not living in "sin" anymore by be married as opposed to being engaged and living with my fiance' but this is my life. These are the decisions that I have chosen and whether they are right or wrong in other people's eyes, the only One that matters is my Lord. I read, I believe it was in Philippians. One of Paul's letter that still intrigues me today. To sum it up he said your relationship with the Lord is personal. No one can share or really understand my relationship with the Lord because it is personal. My convictions are what the Lord speaks to me to guide me. Sometimes I feel like Jacob. That no matter how many times I fall of the bandwagon, the Lord loves me and will be there to pick me up and encourage me. I feel I have room for error because if I make a mistake the Lord knows me and how to speak to me and will correct me . So I may still be lost and confused. I may still be intimidated by those who are farther along in their faith then I am, but I know the Lord will show me in time all that I wonder.
I still have many fears that need to be conquered and I still need to learn how to completely give it all to Him, but I am on my way there. I am learning and slowly, I am growing stronger in Him.
so here is where my journey continues...