I have a blog on blogspot (mwilson86.blogspot.com if anyone is interested) and I saw this 25 things I love entry from one of my friends, so I decided to make one for me. Even though I did get through it, it was a tough one for me to fill out. I just couldn't think of 25 things, I think I may of copies some of hers that I agreed with to fill in the empty spots. I just don't know what I love anymore, well besides My heavenly father, my husband, my family ,and my friends (whom I don't really see due to a move), accomplishing a to do list, ect. I just don't understand where that lively, vibrant, happy- go- lucky girl went. Sometimes its hard to drag me out of this house, unless of course its for my responsibilities like school and work. I am good at attending those. If I have to do it, I most likely will but other then that I am sitting here on the computer or watching TV. I don't like to go outside at night, I am just frightened. I just feel like there is always someone there trying to hurt me when I know in my heart that isn't exactly true. I shy away from things that seem fun and relaxing due to fear. I don't like going anywhere by myself. My dependence level has increase since my hubby (at the time, my boyfriend) returned from IRAQ. I never want to be apart from him, and he returned over a year ago. I know it drives him crazy at times...its like I was away from him for a while and I don't want to loose him again. But I will, he will eventually be deployed again I am sure. I just don't have motivation on my own. I don't know how to make life fun again. All I know is work, school, and home. All that I have here that makes me happy is my hubby and a friends that you can count on one hand. I don't even enjoy my friends when I go back home. I guess I just need to keep moving, start searching, and create that happiness in my life.
Sorry its so sad, but I had to get it down...maybe someone has experienced this and knows what I am going through and can help me through it.
Missy
Sunday, May 31, 2009
After my painful realization (read the last blog if you are confused lol) I am working to make myself happy first. I have an issue with doing things for myself, but I am at my happiest when I do. I just commented some of my friends on myspace...tacky...I know, but I miss the days when I actually communicated with them. I haven't been myself in a really long time and I know they noticed. I don't know where it all started I just know I lost myself. I don't have a bad life, just a really busy school schedule and trying to make money working part time and moving out on my own and getting married...its a full plate and I think in the mist of it I lost me. My friends haven't said anything directly but I can see it in the way they respond to me when I am back in Stuart and we do hang out...they don't know who this is. My husband has noticed it and it has hurt him...so I know I had to do something..I didn't feel good about myself, that and stress, has made me run to seclusion.
So I thought long and hard about what made me happy in the past. Pictures, music, nature, working out, my hubby, my friends, my family, spending time on myself...spending money on my hair, making me feel good about myself, working on my spirituality (still bitter sweet). So I took action. I got my hair cut, I am working out, jamming out to music, taking pictures ,again...man I miss the days....and spending good quality time with my precious hubby, and trying to keep in communication with my friends and family.
I miss me and I am sure everyone else does to, but right now I am just feeling this happiness, I can't even explain it. I have homework, housework, and work to do, but I feel innately happy right now....
My lesson (if you didn't quite grasp it in my mumbo jumbo lol) I am Working on myself first. Feeling good about myself gives me the personal happiness I need to carry in my relationships (and bring me out of seclusion) to make them work :)
I am back, and I better stay back!
*~Missy~*
