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Jesse Michael's Visit

I Feel better now....

Today I feel much better then yesturday. I didn't come up with a plan, but I do have a sense of comfort. He made it safely to his first stop, and will be there for a few weeks he is thinking before he moves on to his final place. But his year has already started which is music to my ears. I don't know what it is, I had the worse day today, but I feel ok about him being gone, I am glad I heard from him though I wasn't expecting to ( and that for once didn't bother me) but I rather hear from him of course. But I accepted that I may not hear from him everyday, but I have the full faith and trust in the fact that when he can call me he will. I know he misses me as much as I do him, so that comforts me. I believe the prayers from my loved ones are doing the same. I don't want to suffer from anticipatary grief or make a big deal out of nothing, or go to bed crying every night, it will be hard, but I feel he will be fine. I love him with all my heart. Well its bed time for me. I just felt like writing a little bit.

Reality is coming into play

Well today at 7 pm he is getting on the plane and heading over. This is when reality is going to truly set in. He will no longer be in the states and the true feeling of a National Guardsman's girlfriend will set in. I will be ok, I know I will but just that depression feeling is setting in. I just have to throw myself a pity party, let the emotions come out so I can work through them. I have to do this because that way, how I feel will come out and then I can start building the strength up I just have to get rid of the emotion and start creating a plan. I guess I really don't have to worry too much about it, but I have to sturdy myself, build up my inner foundation then I can help build a more solid foundation with the people around me who are already making themselves open to me. I have to start with myself though. It's just one of those bubble bath and book day as I call it. I just take some me time, take a nice bubble bath and read into the situation, maybe read a good book to kind of get myself in the thinking mood. Then I just write, write how I feel, get it all out. Write down a plan, so to speak. Something I can build on. I know I am a planaholic but it helps. Tony leaving isn't the only reason I feel this way. Nicole, my niece is in the hospital with ammonia so that does not help at the moment. She is my life, my lil boost in mood, I worry about her you know. I know she will be fine, its a mild case, but still. I don't know. Well I better go...

Its a wonderful feeling

Tony is away at the moment, but I feel our bond just as strong. He lets me know how he feels and he isn't afraid to ease my concerns and walk along my side though my emotions are up and down. Whenever I have a concern and I bring it up to him, he seems to have a way of letting me know it will be ok. He seems a bit short with me when it comes to telephone calls, probably because he is busy or whatever, but when I truely confront him about something, even if in e-mail he does listen. I think sometimes, it would be easier if he were to allow me to vent on the phone, at some time, and he does, but its not the majority of what he wants to talk about. But that is ok, I am sure he has his own reasons. Sunday, tommarow, starts his tracking over there. Then the year count down is in motion. Its going to be an adventure, its new to me, but I think its an oppurtunity for him to follow his dream and me to concentrate on mine. I am going to miss him like crazy but coming fall, time should feel like its flying right by. So I know we will be fine.
The wonderful feeling I talk about is the feeling of love that I have with him. I can feel how he feels for me and by the way he talks he can feel mine. We have a special bond . I love it. Just to know that someone loves you as much as he loves me is just a wonderful feeling. I can't help but smile.
While he is gone, my life has to go on and I know that. I do want to invest in a video recorder and some care package things so I can send him little figments of home. He may not seem to understand my enthusiasm now, but when he gets there, I think he will appreciate it more then he already does. I don't know, I desire to be needed and appreciated and I want more then anything to do what I can to help him while he is there. I can't physically show my love to him now, and not that I need to, he already knows, but I want to show him in other ways. I am actually a bit excited to be able to send him things. It makes me feel happy to do that, I want to, you know send cute little notes in the packages. Just things to put a smile on his face and happiness in his spirit, that he may loose at times where he is going. Like a rose in the middle of the desert, that lil bit of hope, I want him to have that all the way. I hope I don't get to out of hand with it, but I want to do all I can, I just hope it doesn't drive him crazy. We wil see how it goes. I will still pray for him each and every day, pray for his safety and well being, pray for blessings to be brought upon him. Just pray.

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